I was on Valium when I made the most amazing purchase.
(For the record, I don’t really take benzodiazepines very often because they’re wildly-addictive and are notoriously one of the most harrowing medications to wean off of. Plus, I try to *feel* my *feelings* these days, rather than numb them with toxic chemicals).
But I was on night three of acute insomnia and I had to be on fucking camera the following day! And nothing makes me feel crazier, puffier or generally more vile (inside and out) than insomnia. And I don’t know about you — but I don’t want to feel psycho-bloated-foul-in-the- body-and-soul when I have to be on fucking camera. Being on camera is an already traumatic experience after the age of twenty-two!
So I swallowed the Valium (Valium is so old school, right? I got it from an ~elder~). And once that pretty sky-blue pill finally kicked in — I suddenly remembered how wonderfully pleasant it is to be a medicated and carefree girl about the world.
So I did what I always seem to do when I take some sort of downer.
I online shopped!
Sometimes online shopping whilst high works out great. Like when I accidentally took an Ambien instead of my usual Lexapro (I hadn’t put my contacts in yet) at 9 a.m. on a Saturday.
Since I couldn’t exactly go to brunch on sleeping pills I decided to stay home and online shop. I bought this amazing shirt.
But. Sometimes it doesn’t work out so great. Like when I took a Xanax on the plane and in my mega-relaxed stupor bought these ugly shoes.
Maybe some bitches could pull these chunky sneakers off — but they made my feet look like Bozo the clown feet. Jewish girls with anxiety disorders don’t look good in Bozo the clown shoes.
Even though I was feeling chiller than a Long Island oyster on ice, I knew in the dark depths of the back of my medicated mind, that online shopping whilst high is hit or miss.
Fuck it, chuck it on the card. I heard my friend Syd’s voice purr in my head. That’s her life motto and I guess in some ways it’s mine too.
And that’s when my eyes lain upon these bad bitches.
If I were a shoe I would be these.
If I were a shoe I would be pink satin.
If I were a shoe I would be a ballet slipper.
And ankle straps.
And a large un-sexual platform.
I knew better than to get a second opinion on these demented ballet platforms. Girls, never get second opinions. Go with your fashion gut, always. Even if you’re high and might be making a dire mistake. You can always sell that shit on Poshmark down the line! There will always be a freak on Poshmark who wants a pair of
ugly amazing shoes. One woman’s trash is another woman’s treasure! It’s part of the circle of life. The fashion food chain. The natural order of the world.
I ordered the shoes on my wife’s credit card and drifted into a deep and tranquil sleep. There’s nothing like Valium sleep. Nothing.
A couple of days later my beautiful ballet slipper-platforms arrived in the mail.
“Zara those are bloody ridiculous!” My mother, who is actually very stylish and also has a love for ugly clunky shoes, declared.
“You just don’t ‘get’ them mom.” I said, rolling my eyes like a teenager.
“HOW DARE YOU!” My mother shouted. I *knew* I had crossed the line.
“Sorry.” I squeaked.
“That’s right.” She said curtly, tossing her blond keratin-treated hair behind her pilates back as she shuffled out of the kitchen and into her bedroom to do her Wim Hof “breathwork.”
For the record: she can hold her breath for nine minutes — which makes either one of two things: a) dead or b) sociopath. Either way, you don’t want to get testy with someone who can hold her breath for nine solid minutes. Trust me!
I put the shoes on and loved them instantly! The slightly square toe made them look like point shoes! And yes, the platform is a good 5.5 inches, but there was no way you could tumble in these bad girls. YOU ARE STRAPPED THE FUCK IN, HONEY. They are drunk proof, klutz proof, stumble proof.
I wore them out to dinner with my friend Vanessa later that night. I knew Vanessa would “get” them unlike my mother. Look at her fabulous hair! (Also she did my wedding makeup and is a makeup wizard).
Vanessa definitely appreciated my shoes and so did my sister, Eduardo. She gasped when she saw them.
As Eduardo held his hand over her heart in a deep gay gasp — Vanessa snapped this picture. (Also how chic is the pale pink Chanel bag I’m clutching? It’s Dayna’s grandmother’s and I’m obsessed with it.).
I’ve worn these shoes almost everyday since I purchase them and I’m fully obsessed. In fact, I believe every crazy bitch *needs* these shoes. Almost as much as they need prescriptions and cardio. They are so comfortable, easy to walk in, impossible to fall in because of the intense strap situation, they are the *perfect* juxtaposition of sweet baby innocent and twisted slut — and most pressingly; no one will *ever* doubt the validity of your mental illness if you wear these! Wearing these shoes basically screams: “I TAKE MORE THAN ONE PSYCHOTROPIC MEDICATION SO PLEASE HANDLE ME WITH CARE!”
And in these trying times, I believe it’s important to show your true mentally ill colors! SMASH THE STIGMA OF CRAZY BITCHNESS AND WEAR THESE WITH PRIDE!
(Also they’re on sale for $64.80! What are you waiting for you, psycho? Buy them!).
LOVE YOU ALL!
What are *your* favorite crazy bitch shoes?
Don’t forget to check out my brand new mental illness podcast!
GirlZ interrupteD, a brand new mental
health illness podcast hosted by notorious best friends and creative partners, Zara Barrie (Author, GIRL, STOP PASSING OUT IN YOUR MAKEUP) and Dayna Troisi (Managing Editor, GO MAGAZINE), will be available across all major podcast platforms when midnight strikes on Saturday, January 24th.
Lez get one thing straight. GirlZ interrupteD is *not* a wellness podcast.
If you’re looking to learn how to meditate away your anxiety or be lectured on the extraordinary health benefits of sucking back green juices instead of SSRIs, GirlZ InterrupteD might not be your thing. (But you should download her anyway and let us convert you into the bad girl wellness lifestyle).
However. If you’re a self-identified crazy bitch who is ready to deep dive into the harrowing and hilarious issues of depression, OCD, eating disorders, party girl pain, binge eating shame, self-medicating, blackouts, Adderall addiction, drinking anxiety, the eerie side effects of psychotropic drugs, and your paralyzing bouts of heart palpitations — welcome to the dark side. We are your people and this podcast is most definitely for you.
Because we’re here to let you know that, no, babe, you’re not the only person who has blacked out and woken up next to your toxic ex whilst innocently mixing a new antidepressant with too many tequila shots. You’re also not the only person who is still secretly haunted by the Ghost of Eating Disorders Past despite having feverishly read every “body-positive” think piece on the internet. You’re not the only one that is f*cking freaked out by the texture of tinfoil. We also wake up in soaked sheets due to medically induced night sweats. We’ve also fallen down the stairs at a Michelin rated restaurant and had panic attacks
on the subway in ubers and sometimes find ourselves doubled over in un-politically correct laughter at the wicked darkness of it all.
Zara Barrie and Dayna Troisi are f*cking crazy, medicated, and ready to party. They boast the titles of two of the most viral lesbian internet writers ever so obviously you can trust them. Whether they’re waxing poetic about the pacing of the dialogue in Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind, warning you about cocaine shits, or getting emotionally naked about trying to resuscitate long-dead eating disorders, these bitches promise to make you laugh. And make you slightly uncomfortable. So take your meds (as prescribed), pour a glass of Sauvignon Blanc, put on your favorite matchy-matchy pajamas, and join us every Saturday at midnight. You’ll never EVER have to shame-spiral alone again. GirlZ interrupteD is here for you, you crazy bitch.
girlZ interrupteD will be available on Apple/iTunes, Spotify, Stitcher, iHeart, TuneIn, Deezer, Player.FM, Pocket Cast, Podcast Addict, and everywhere else you listen to podcasts, dropping at midnight every Saturday, produced by THE CRAZY SAD BABES CLUB MEDIA NETWORK.