Welcome to my column, “CHANGED MY LIFE” which will feature a new life-changing product for each post. (PS I’m looking for guest writers for this column! Email me: Zarabarrie@gmail.com).
This post is designed specifically for hairy bitches. Bitches like me. Bitches who were teased for their surplus of body hair for the entirety of their youth!
Look. I know, I know.
We’re living in a modern world.
By now I should’ve long adopted the attitude of an evolved Brooklyn Queer who proudly embraces their body hair and uploads pictures of their unkempt armpits on to Instagram.
But I’m here to live my truth. And my truth is this: I’m a repressed Manhattan Lesbian who is still reeling from the cruel burn of being called “APE” by a group of pre-pubescent greasy-faced fuckboys who were so ruthless, they ruined my eighth grade year.
(Said greasy fuckboys have most certainly evolved into mediocre adult fuckboy losers, but that doesn’t negate the damage that’s been done. Middle school trauma never fully leaves us, does it?).
But you know what? Even though I work hard to keep myself hairless and smooth like a baby seal, I’ve finally realized that hairy girls are the hottest girls.
I mean, a lot of natural beauty is directly connected to hairiness! A thick, plush mane. Well-endowed eyebrows. Long, luscious eyelashes.
I’m happy to shave my legs twice a day if it means I get to keep my Venus Flytrap eyelashes and caterpillar brows.
That being said, I really don’t care for peach fuzz on my face. I don’t care for wiry chin hairs, either. I don’t pull off side-burns. And those dark hairs that blanket my upper-lip? It’s just really just not my thing, guys.
If it’s your thing, flaunt that shit. You’re a far better person than me, I’m sure.
But if you too, like your skin to look as smooth as moon — I have a hot tip.
Ladies, gents, and everyone in- between, it’s time to start using the fucking tinkle.
Allow me to describe this glorious, game-changing product that retails for under $5.00 for a pack of three. These tiny easter-egg colored Japanese style blades gently slough off all those little hairs that shack up on the faces of the hairy women around the world!
Not only that but the tinkle ~exfoliates~ the skin, ridding that pretty face of yours of not just hair — but of debris, dead skin cells, and excess oil.
After you “tinkle” (I wish it were called something else too) your skin will glow like the virgin sacrifice! My favorite part?
It changes the way your makeup lays on your face. Makeup sits gracefully when it rests upon a ~smooth~ surface. Makeup on a dirty, oily, fuzzy surface will separate and give you that dreaded patchy look — which is well…creepy.
But Zara will it make my hair grow back coarse and prickly?
Would I, your trusty lesbian big sister ever recommend you a product that would do such thing?
I wouldn’t. Also, I can’t afford to have my facial hair grow back thicker than it already is. If my facial hair got any thicker I’d need weed-wackers to keep it under control.
Let me explain how this razor works. The tinkle cuts the hair at an angle. It’s doesn’t have a blunt edge, like a traditional razor, which allows your hair to grow back silky-soft and prick-free.
So how do shave my face with a tinkle?
I’m so glad you asked! I have cultivated a very specific tinkle routine. This routine isn’t baseless either, did you know I used to work in ~beauty~ before I became a writer and actor? For years. Your lesbian big sis has a past.
So here goes:
STEP 1: Wash your face with a gentle cream or gel cleanser.
You want to get your precious face nice and clean before you take a blade to it — but you also don’t want to use anything harsh that will strip your skin. That means: No scrubs, nothing with retinol, salicylic acid, micro-beads or fragrance.
STEP 2: Massage your face with a nice face oil.
We all know what happens to our legs when we dry shave. It’s dark. It’s flaky. It’s stingy and itchy! Let’s not bestow that abuse upon our faces of all places.
I like to use grape-seed oil because it’s gentle, cheap, effective and can be purchased at your local Whole Foods/Organic Grocery store.
Use a liberal amount of oil (one good SQUEEZE should do) and massage your face. Circular motions, going upward, to increase blood flow and reduce puff (I have a whole piece on reducing puff in the face, FYI). Do this for about 30 seconds, and your skin will be nice and warmed up for its first tinkle shaving experience!
Step 3: TINKLE AWAY!
Make sure your skin has a good amount of oil still on it and take that tinkle to your face like the bad bitch you are. Gently sweep the blade upward. I start at my outer jawline and work my way across my whole face (nose included) and even use it to shape my brows, get rid of the baby hairs on my forehead and tame those sideburns (all Jewish girls have sideburns).
Step 4: CLEANSE AGAIN!
We have to wash all that dead skin and all those lil’ hairs off, you know? Again go gentle. Glossier Milky Jelly cleanser is perfect for this.
Step 5: Pat skin dry and moisturize!
Once your skin is dry you are free to moisturize! But use a gentle moisturizer, because anything with harsh ingredients in it WILL sting. I like First Aid Beauty Ultra Repair Cream.
Step 6: GLOW UP BITCH.
Now it’s time to bask in your glowy-smooth-clean-hairless-shiny-exfoliated complexion. Run your (clean) finger across your face. And thank Lana Del Rey for you lesbian big sis!
I thought I’d indulge you all in this rare beauty moment because I feel like we all abuse our skin with booze, makeup, sleeping in makeup, smoke and shit food this time of year. And this, is a tried, true and CHEAP AF method of exfoliating the damage away.
*If you’re skin is really sensitive I don’t recommend doing this without consulting a professional. Otherwise! Try at your own risk. You decide. You are a grown-up.
I LOVE YOU.
So. What are your favorite hairy girl hacks? Let me know in the comments! Or email me at: firstname.lastname@example.org
And remember, HAIRY GIRLS ARE THE HOTTEST GIRLS. Write that shit on your bathroom mirror and tattoo it across your tortured soul. Purr.
My debut book GIRL, STOP PASSING OUT IN YOUR MAKEUP: THE BAD GIRL’S GUIDE TO GETTING YOUR SH*T TOGETHER is available NOW on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, IndieBound, AUDIBLE, and BAM! If you send me a screenshot of your order, I’ll send you swag!
Praise for GIRL, STOP PASSING OUT IN YOUR MAKEUP
“Zara has the rare talent of marching into the deepest, darkest moments of life—the mascara-teared and alcohol-soaked—scooping them up, and thrusting them into the light with amazing clarity, forgiveness, and compassion. As her editor at Elite Daily, I had the honor of watching Zara blossom into the emotionally raw and poetic writer she is now. Her gripping first-person narratives help every woman (including me) come to terms with her own demons or insecurities in a refreshingly comfortable way. There’s a reason she’s built up an army of ‘babes’ who are empowered by the words of their dear big sister, Z: Her candid honesty and no bullshit advice are simply addicting.”
– Faye Brennan, Sex & Relationships Director, Cosmopolitan
“Reading Zara is like reading your own thoughts—only sexier and much more brilliantly written.”
– Kaitlyn Cawley, former Editor-At-Large, Bustle Media Group and former Editor-in-Chief, Elite Daily
“Reading Zara’s writing will make you feel like you’re at your cool-as-hell big sister’s sleepover party. You will be transfixed by her unflinching honesty and words of wisdom, and she’ll successfully convince you to not only ditch the shame you feel about the raw and messy parts of yourself, but to dare to see them as beautiful.”
– Alexia LaFata, Editor, New York Magazine
“If Cat Marnell and F. Scott Fitzgerald had a literary baby it would be Zara Barrie. She’s got Marnell’s casual, dark, downright hilarious tone of an irreverent party girl. But then she also has Fitzgerald’s talent for making words literally feel like they sparkle on the page. You instantly feel more glamorous after reading a page of Zara’s writing, even when the page is talking about getting into a screaming match with her girlfriend outside of a bar on a Sarasota street corner while high on benzos. I’ve always been a fan of Zara’s writing, but Girl, Stop Passing Out in Your Makeup takes it to the next level. With shimmery words that make her dark stories sparkle, she seamlessly manages to inspire even the most coked-out girl at the party to get her shit together.”
– Candice Jalili, Senior Sex & Dating Writer, Elite Daily
“Self-help meets memoir. Party girl meets wise sage. Beauty meets reality. Zara Barrie is the cool older sister you wish you had. The one that lets you borrow her designer dresses and ripped up fishnets, buys you champagne (she loves you too much to let you drink beer), and colors your lips with bright pink lipstick. She’ll take you to the coolest parties, and will stick by your side and she guides you through the glitter, pain, danger, laughter, and what it means to be a f*cked up girl in this f*cked up world (both of which are beautiful despite the darkness). Girl, Stop Passing Out in Your Makeup is for the girls that are too much of a beautiful contradiction to be contained. Zara is a gifted writer—one second she’ll have you laughing over rich girls agonizing over which Birkin bag to buy, the next second she’ll shatter your heart in one sentence about losing one’s innocence. Zara is the nuanced girl she writes for—light, irreverent, snarky, bitchy, funny; and aching, perceptive, deep, flawed, wise, poised, honest—all at once. Perhaps the only thing that can match Zara’s unparalleled wit and big sister advice is her candid humor and undeniable talent for the written word. Zara is one of the most prolific and entertaining honest voices on the internet—and her talent is only multiplied in book form. Girl, Stop Passing Out in Your Makeup is for the bad girls, honey.”
– Danya Troisi, Executive Editor, GO Magazine