I have news: GIRL, STOP PASSING OUT IN YOUR MAKEUP will be available for purchase on all major audio platforms, November 24th 2020!
Find her wherever AUDIOBOOKS are sold.
And guess, just — GUESS — who your ~trusty narrator~ is, darlings?
Let me tell you why you need the GIRL, STOP PASSING OUT IN YOUR MAKEUP audiobook.
Okay, let’s imagine a scenario.
Let’s say you’re in the bathroom stall of a dirty dive bar that you shouldn’t even be at right now — because not only is it a global pandemic — but because your ex is there too.
And you’ve been feeling extremely vulnerable and worthless lately (who hasn’t?).
And your ex is actually being nice to you for once (which is shady AF).
Your ex who single-handedly tore down your self-esteem and made you believe the wildly-damaging and dysfunctional notion that love is supposed to be “toxic” and “dark;” has been giving you “the eye.”
The I want to ravage you eye. The I‘m going to give you the wildest orgasm of your life and then stick a knife into your heart and twist the blade and you’re going to sit back and let me do it eye.
The you’re still weak for me, babe eye.
And because you’re so goddamn lonely and because this wound is still fresher than you’ve admitted to your shrink and your mom and your best friend Becky — and because you’ve slurped back four vodka sodas in the last two hours — you’re thinking about letting this ex-monster have their way with you, aren’t you? (You can’t lie to your lesbian big sister, psh).
Your head is screaming “HOW DARE YOU! THIS PERSON CHEATED ON YOU. THEY BETRAYED YOU IN THE MOST BRUTAL WAY. THEY MADE YOU QUESTION YOUR OWN WORTH!”
But your heart is howling: “YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE. DO IT. TRUE LOVE HURTS.
LET IT HURT. LET IT BLEED, BITCH.“
You’re feeling dizzy from this harrowing mental back and forth so you excuse yourself to the restroom to “collect yourself” (aka obsessively slick mascara on your lashes as you debate taking the half Adderall you’ve been storing in the change purse of your filthy old wallet).
You stare into the bathroom mirror. You’re wearing a mask because you’re not that much of a fuck up, and your eyes really stand out against the pale hospital blue. They look…alive. You want to keep them alive! Will having relapse sex with your ex render you dead inside or will it kick your heart in high-gear?
You don’t know. All you know is this: You don’t trust yourself.
You remember that you have my audiobook downloaded onto your phone. You slither into the gross little bathroom stall. You reach into your tattered Chanel bag and search for your AirPods. You find them. You stick them right into your ears. You hear me purr:
I want you to try and avoid the validation sex if you can. Because validation sex doesn’t ever make you feel confident like you hope it will. It might make you feel validated for a brief moment in time, but validation is a lot like cocaine. It makes you feel strong and cocky for ten cheap minutes and then is followed by a soul-scorching crash to the bottom of the ocean floor. Anything we use outside of ourselves as a way to feel temporarily better always makes us feel extraordinarily worse when the high wears off. And the high always wears off.
And as your lesbian big sister, I want you to feel good about your- self. I don’t want you to be bathing in a giant pool of self-destruction if you don’t have to.
You feel like you’ve known me all of your life (I’ve been in many of your past-lives, honey). Most pressingly, you can tell I’ve been in your shoes and that I’m on your side. I give you the pep talk you’ve never needed more than you do in this moment.
You suddenly remember who you are! You find yourself sobering up. Not just from booze or whatever else you’ve been taking (tsk, tsk) but from the lies you’ve been feeding yourself over the past eight months: That you’re not worthy of love. That confidence lives in the art of being lusted after. That you don’t deserve to feel good.
You hold your head up high and stand tall like a midtown skyscraper. You strut out of the bathroom. You get in a cab. You ask yourself: What the hell was I doing there anyway? I need to be home. I need to love myself. Preserve myself. I have important shit to do and say and this is all a giant distraction — a stupid little blinking light that’s steering me away from living out my purpose. You get home. You take a scalding hot shower. You turn the knob freezing cold right before you get out. It feels painful and euphoric. Just like life.
You are overcome with a POWERFUL THOUGHT: You do deserve to feel good.
It is your birthright.
And that’s why you need this audiobook my little proverbial siblings. Sometimes it’s hard to find time to read. Your eyeballs are already scorching from a day spent on your laptop feverishly working. Or you’re too drunk or hungover to comprehend written words. Or you need to walk from point A) to point B). Or you need to clean your room and you can’t do that shit when your nose is stuck in a book.
I get it. My room gets messy too and I would never clean if it weren’t for audiobooks.
Or you’re in a bar about to make a really bad choice (like snorting drugs or popping pills or ex-sex or nasty shit talk or letting your energy get sucked out of your soul!) and need a quick come To Lana Del Rey.
Whatever it is; you’ll be okay.
Because now you have your ~very own~ lesbian big sister in your purse, like a concierge genie. Anytime you need me just press “play” and let me help you, little sis. Let me be your tour guide helping you navigate your way back into the light in your darkest hour.
And you’ll never be alone again. I’ll always be with you. And together we will look our demons in the eye and stop fearing the wrath of the truth. We’ll watch our wounds heal together. We’ll be two scarred hot bitches hanging out on a Friday night. Wherever the hell you are or whatever situation you’re in. You’ve got a sister NOW.
SO. Get me.
My debut book GIRL, STOP PASSING OUT IN YOUR MAKEUP: THE BAD GIRL’S GUIDE TO GETTING YOUR SH*T TOGETHER is available NOW on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, IndieBound, and BAM! If you send me a screenshot of your order, I’ll send you swag!