Happy Thursday kittens and welcome to our ~newest~ column over here at THE CRAZY SAD BABES CLUB! Confessions Of A Teen Girl showcases excerpts from real teen diaries spanning through a plethora of generations. Teenagehood is a fleeting time in the great expanse of our lives and we believe if we were more in touch with our younger-selves we would be more in touch with our adult desires. Interested in sharing your diary? Email Zara Barrie: firstname.lastname@example.org.
This week we’re sharing the diary of Gabi Conti! Gabi Conti is an author, dating expert, host, writer and comedian. You can order her fabulous book “Twenty Guys You Date In Your Twenties” here!
18 years old, Freshman year of College
And I thought this is where things start to make more sense – boys become more mature -and FINALLY, I would stop searching and finally find or be found. Instead, I found yet another facade of love. And this time he came to me over six foot, with jet black spiked hair and eyes that searched me. At first glance, that’s what he did. He met me on the sidewalk. I was in a slip and boots and he was sporting some ridiculous style. It was indeed a night of spontaneity – as we began drinking at midnight – rum + grapefruit juice. Then he took me on the roof – we looked out to the gorgeous night – it was chilly but with the wind, he held me close. Around us was lit and we could see into other homes. After hours of deep conversation, he kissed me. I felt it was genuine and real – and was in marvel that I could find someone like this – what a catch – Ha! I slept over – marveled with my adventurous nature. It was surprisingly comfortable waking up in the nude wrapped in his lanky arms.
I was deceived yet again – I mistaked his passionate kisses, gentle caressing, candlelit dinners, love songs, and mix CD for “LOVE” So I reciprocated – only to be cheated. “LOVE” is a game and I hate losing to those who cheat. But somehow no matter how many girls he seduces in front of me – or how many fall in love with him – even though I have woken from the daze of infatuation. His dark menacing mature presence still seduces me, intoxicates me, and makes me one another one night stand. Oh, nothing has really changed – fuck the maze of LOVE.
“I like my covers heavy- So I don’t get cold when I sleep. My love affairs are never steady and I never go halfway when I weep … Take my spin and spit shin it, pull on my heard and unwind it. Fold my wings back off my shoulder blades and peel me.” – Feist
CLOSING GROWN-UP THOUGHTS
This is from my diary that I kept from my first love in high school – to even my current boyfriend. It’s stuffed with love letters, printed out photos, and AIM conversations. Granted the entries were much more few and far between after college. But every few years I’d check in and write an update. This diary essentially became my book Twenty Guys You Date In Your Twenties. And this entry turned into The Guy Who’s Hotter Than You. Even though we met at 18, I sadly was still drawn to him until I graduated from college and in my twenties. The cool thing about this romance — is that his friends became my friends and were my family when I moved out to LA.
As for this entry — wow so dramatic and emo, but also very real and honest, and likely was exactly what I was feeling at the moment. Also, the Fiest lyrics at the end are wrong. Most noticeably the line “I never go halfway when I weep” should be “I never go halfway when I leap.” But are on-brand for 18 year old me – who loved to relish in a good ugly cry, and would never go halfway when falling for a guy. He introduced me to Feist — her songs were on that mix CD he made me. I wish I could tell 18 year old me, to stop seeking validation from men. I wish I could tell her to stop wasting her time on guys that we’re 100 percent in like she always was. Also, I’d tell her to never chase but only attract. But at the same time, I guess I’m happy to have gone through all that “heartbreak” – be it real or overdramatized (I mean hello, my screen name was DramaQueenGC) because I’m happy with the secure complete person that I am today — even if it took a decade-ish to get here.